'He thinks he will catch a lunch thief. Of course, he ends up flashbanging himself': Kevin manager goes on rampage to find out who stole his sandwich

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Jan 29, 2023 11:00 AM EST

Tuna sandwich thieves, your days are numbered once this bumbling manager finds you! 

This is the story of "Kevin: The Last Grocery Emperor," a colorful and imaginative grocery store manager. As told by one of Kevin's employees, the man was a tyrant at this grocery store. He seems more or less incapable of actually leading a team, and is way more concerned with one thing: guarding his lunch from the lunch thief. Someone was stealing Kevin's precious tuna sandwich, and he'd be darned if he'll let them get away with that! 

This Kevin is incredibly goofy, and I'm genuinely surprised he didn't get anyone hurt. At one point in this story, he does something completely disgusting, and I actually can't believe that no one called the health department on that man. The workers were well paid, so they were willing to put up with pretty much anything! 

Then read this article about a waitress who has crowned herself the "Queen of Petty" after she saved her coworkers from a non-tipping customer. 

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  • 01
    Rectangle - 'Do you realize how loud one has to scream to be heard five aisles across a grocery store? Anyway, Kevin has discovered that someone ate This tuna sandwich in the breakroom fridge.'
    via Eduardo Soares on Unsplash.com
  • 02
    Font - r/StoriesAboutKevin Posted by u/S skriegbop Kevin: The Last Grocery Emperor XXXL
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 03
    Font - I worked for a fairly small grocery store (15 employees) for the last few years and lost my job last month when the store went out of business. The owner, of course, was a true Kevin, who managed his own store- which would eventually lead to his downfall.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 04
    Font - Let's start with the first week I held the job. I didn't expect to stay there more than a month. Two days into my working there, he walks out onto the store floor as the store is closing, then stands in front of the sliding doors as if to block anybody from leaving.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 05
    Font - Kevin starts taking storage crates and stacks them up, then climbs up on the stack. Kevin announces to us his intention to make our store the "greatest grocery store of all time". And my reaction at this point is basically *w you had to do this the week I get the job? Seriously?*. Yet Kevin would have us believe we are going into a final deadly battle. He gets off his literal soapbox and tells us to line up as he shakes our hands. Idk, maybe fatso (he was almost 400 lbs and looked like La
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 06
    Font - The very next day there's a giant banner in the store that says "Starting wage: $23/hour", which ends up being true. At that point, myself and everyone else shut up about the weird boss because that's an incredible wage where I live.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 07
    Font - A month goes by and one afternoon I'm putting pickles on the shelf when I hear a blood-curdling, guttural scream from the breakroom. I put down the box and go to look, especially as horrified customers glance at each other. Do you realize how loud one has to scream to be heard five aisles across a grocery store? Anyway, Kevin has discovered that someone ate his tuna sandwich in the breakroom fridge. I tell him it wasn't me and so does my coworker nearby, and we are just about to go back t
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 08
    Font - Keep in mind this is in the middle of the day and so by calling "all hands" (like a fl warship) he's telling cashiers to stop, etc. Well, fast forward twenty minutes, Kevin is red in the face with fury and he's got us packed into the breakroom like sardines screaming at the top of his lungs about "fish-f s" and "tuna [Slur for Italians, no idea why]". There's now a good ten-customer line at both checkouts. We walk out to see people walking away, at which point Kevin does a 180 back to us
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 09
    Font - An a to be sure, but where does the stupidity come in, you might be asking. Ah, glad you asked! Kevin has set a trap the next day, set to detonate a flashbang grenade in the face of the first person to open the fridge. He thinks he will catch a lunch thief. Of course, he ends up flashbanging himself and having to go home for the day because he can't hear. He somehow did not consider that someone might open the fridge for non malicious purposes, like to get THEIR OWN lunch, but that's Kevi
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 10
    Font - Fast forward about a year, there's a pandemic in full swing so we are essential workers, nothing too weird happens other than regular speeches from Kevin about how we are all American heroes. At least he paid us well, and so in my case anyway I was just glad to get the money since better jobs weren't hiring during the pandemic.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 11
    Font - It's now March 2021 and the COVID vaccine is rolling out. Kevin decides he is going to "buy vaccines" for all of us. No amount of attempts to convince him the vaccine is free could make him believe it, because his "friend" had a cheap box for $50. We finally show him news articles about it, but Kevin knows his friend has a good deal. He walks in the next morning with a giant crate of syringes and is surprised when nobody will take his shady shots off the back of a truck.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 12
    Font - Kevin also showed up one day during that same summer wearing a sombrero with the taco bell logo on it and was surprised to find that the almost half Latino clientele were "looking at him weird".
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 13
    Font - Ah, you thought the lunch thief saga was over, right? Well, it's September of '21 and things are going normal, when Kevin discovers his lunch has been eaten AGAIN. He walks out onto the store floor, grabs a jar of ragu (pasta sauce) off the shelf and slams it on the floor in a childlike rage, then sweeps it up with a broom (wrong tool, all it did was smear and make a mess in the broom bristles) to show how useless we all are. The next day, his lunch is stolen again and this is where thing
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 14
    Font - Do realize, Kevin is one of only three people to actually use the fridge, most of us just buy food from, you know, the grocery store we work in. So somebody was eating Kevin's lunch instead. But one of my coworkers, let's call him Jim, has his own lunch in the fridge when he picks up an awful smell. He asks what it is, and Kevin proudly informs Jim, in front of a good four or five employees in the breakroom, that it's a literal si sandwich. We should've called the health department, but K
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 15
    Font - The real kicker came this spring, though. A pipe burst in the ceiling, so there was water pouring down into the store. We close down for the day, and call in specialists, but Kevin insists on standing over them to "make sure they don't steal". Well, one of them has to move a rolling display of baked goods to get to the ceiling panel they need. This display is on casters, it's *easy* to move. But Kevin insists it remains precisely there. Cue the r/maliciouscompliance as they go ahead and d
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 16
    Font - Things only went downhill from there, and we later learn as the store is going out of business that Kevin won the lottery in 2006 and all of this business venture has been for fun, which makes sense in retrospect. Last I heard, Kevin is in some tax trouble, so maybe you'll hear about this on the news soon.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 17
    Font - vali_riversong Did...did he have an actual flash bang? Or did he just set up some jerryrigged lights and speakers to blast audio and blare light? Reply Share 4 S skriegbop OP Oh no it was a genuine flashbang grenade.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 18
    Font - Undrende_fremdeles This was truly the perfect blend of ery and Kevinness the entire way through! as Wow. This is what makes you the life of the party for the rest of your life. Stories like these. Rough when you're there, funny as heck when it's a memory XD
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 19
    Font - _AlreadyTaken_ He started off well, enthusiastic, paying well. I assume as the store owner that he had (or should've had) his own office. Just put a minifridge in there and lunch problem solved.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin
  • 20
    Font - Wadsworth_McStumpy There's probably a pretty fair chance that he was eating his own lunch and then forgetting he'd done it.
    via r/StoriesAboutKevin

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